Procrastinating vs Igniting your Purpose

After further phases of procrastination, I am getting closer and closer to the core of the creative process. For the last two months, I’ve been putting off writing, I lost my momentum, and when I did sit down, I had to be careful not to force myself to write (that’s self-abuse). What the hell was going on? I realized that my fire had gone out. I quickly became afraid and began to doubt myself: maybe filmmaking isn’t my thing after all. Maybe I’m just kidding myself. And at the same time, I thought to myself: This stupid doubting isn’t doing me any good either. So what’s going on here? If I look at it completely neutrally? Are there ways to simply rekindle my fire? As if it were completely normal for the fire to go out when you incompetently don’t know how to keep it burning? I had the impulse to reread my old articles, especially “What is Loving John? Part Three”, and there it was again... the old spark that can ignite the fire. And I realized... it’s not enough. The fire went out very quickly when I couldn’t implement what I wanted in the next scene I wanted to write. I told my partner about it and she had me read the above article again, this time replacing every instance of “cinema” or “film” or ‘movie’ with “life”... Wow... I realized that as a child, I had used movies to experience everything I had sorely missed in my own life. A life that I still don’t always allow myself to live when I’m afraid to take the next step or doubt myself and make myself small. The purpose of my film is nothing other than the purpose of my life. Making a film is just one vehicle for living the purpose of my life, among many others. It’s not that there is one activity that is perfect for fulfilling my purpose in life. No, there are endless possibilities. And why am I telling you this now?

Not because I want to stop making films or talk you out of it. No, on the contrary. As I mentioned earlier, to be a creator, you need momentum from a lot of creations that happen one after the other. According to Robert Fritz, when you start out as a creator, it makes a lot of sense to start with small projects so that you are competent enough to successfully carry out larger projects. And it was precisely this discovery that I lost sight of when I tried to force myself to write something or completely avoid it. As long as I’m still figuring out how to do it (and actually, regardless of that), I can turn my whole life into the kind of films I’ve always wanted to see. Every moment then becomes a creation that sparks more and more momentum, and sparks more and more of these aspects of my vision (intensity, surprise, profound feelings, etc.) in such a way that my writing simply becomes a byproduct of my aliveness, rather than a difficult and exhausting endeavor.